Holidays should be a time of joy and celebration. But when you have toxic family members, festivities aren’t all that jolly. It may be a time of stress, tension, and conflict.

We all grew up with images of happy families gathering around a beautiful table. Champagne glasses are clinking, the fireplace flickers with warmth, and the sound of laughter fills the air.

If your family’s like that, congratulations! It must be nice.

But if you don’t live inside a Normal Rockwell painting, holidays for you may be difficult or even excruciating.

Perhaps, you have a narcissistic mother who likes to start drama or a toxic in-law who always drops passive-aggressive comments.

Whether it’s in-laws or your own flesh and blood, holidays with a toxic family can be challenging even for the most emotionally resilient people.

Why Holidays Can Be Stressful

The holiday season is an emotional time even without toxic family members trying to ruin your good time. Here are a few reasons why holidays can be challenging.

1. During the holidays there is a lot of pressure to be happy and cheerful. It can be difficult if you’re not in a celebratory mood.
2. Over 80% of people, particularly women, experience “holiday stress.” It’s stress related to organizing or attending holiday gatherings, buying gifts for everyone, planning activities, overindulgence, and overall heightened expectations for the “best time of the year.”
3. The holiday season is often a time when we re-evaluate our lives and decide if we’re moving in the right direction. If you’re not happy with where you are or where you are going, the holidays can be absolutely depressing.
4. Holidays take us back to childhood and make us long for love and connection more than any other time of the year.

Now add to that dealing with someone who gets on your nerves, provokes conflict, or always has something negative to say!

As you mentally prepare yourself for a holiday party with your family, you may feel like you have to walk on eggshells. You may be ridden with dread and anxiety. And you may have a strong urge to make an excuse and skip the whole soiree altogether, just to avoid certain people.

Don’t. Experts say that avoiding makes matters worse. It reinforces your sense of helplessness and gives the toxic people the chance to trash you to your other family members. Why give them an advantage?

Instead, try approaching the dreadful event with a little education and preparation. The experience won’t be pleasant, but you’ll survive. And maybe you’ll even enjoy yourself! Who knows?

One thing is clear: no one can make you feel a certain way. So you have a considerable degree of control over how you will experience the festivities.

To help you navigate the holidays with toxic family members, here are 10 tips that will keep you grounded and protected from their unpleasant antics.

10 Tips on How to Survive the Holidays With Your Toxic Family

1. Adjust your expectations

Whenever you’re dealing with toxic people, the golden rule is: lower your expectations.

Accepting that your toxic family isn’t going to act any differently than last year, or the year before that, will actually give you some peace of mind and inoculate you against disappointment and hurt feelings.

If the toxic family you’re dreading to visit is your parent(s), this may be especially tough for you.

The holiday season dredges up something innocent and hopeful in all of us (even the cynics!). And just like a kid on Christmas morning, you expect a miracle.

So you hope against all hope that mom will finally approve of your life choices, or dad will finally see you as an adult who deserves respect.

If you’re walking in the front door with these hopes, most likely you’ll be crushed, bewildered, and hurt.

Don’t set yourself up to be a holiday mess. Rather, keep your expectations nice and low. It’s better to be pleasantly surprised than bitterly disappointed.

2. Get the support of your partner

Having a supportive, understanding partner by your side will make any stressful family gathering easier.

You won’t feel like you’re alone or the black sheep of the family. And if you’ll need some emotional pick-me-up, they’ll be there to reassure you.

Not everyone has a supportive partner, so it’s a blessing if you do. Still, even the most supportive people can’t read minds. So talk to them beforehand and let them know what you need.

Explain how you feel and why this family gathering might be difficult for you (if they don’t already know). And just ask them to be there for you, if you need them.

For example, you can ask them to interject if a toxic family member latches on to you.

It doesn’t have to be anything special or complicated. Sometimes a simple squeeze of a hand or a whisper “Are you OK?” can make all the difference in the world.

3. Keep the alcohol to the minimum

You may be thinking that numbing yourself with booze is the only way to get through a holiday family gathering. Maybe it even worked in the past.

And you’re right, in some situations alcohol can be a comforting friend. But it can also be a treacherous foe.

The truth is, alcohol affects everyone differently. Some get giddy and silly, and others — pensive, depressed, or angry. But if you’re already anxious and on guard, it’s almost guaranteed to make you more reactive.

And reactive is the last thing you want to be around a toxic person. It’ll only expose your vulnerability to them and make you do or say something you’ll regret.

Toxic family members will often try to bait you with hurtful comments or “innocent” jokes that are actually insults. When you’re tipsy, you’re much more likely to react to that provocation.

Then they’ll turn around and gaslight you by saying: “Oh, I was just kidding. You’re so sensitive! Everyone has to walk on eggshells around you.”

4. Set a time limit

Discuss with your partner ahead of time how long you’re going to stay, and set a clear time limit for the festivities.

Obviously, the less time you spend around a toxic relative, the better.

But a time limit also makes it easier to get through the event because you have control over when it will end.

5. Don’t try to over-compensate

Don’t try to put on your biggest fakest smile and pretend you’re having a blast. It will only make you feel exhausted and disempowered.

Aim to be yourself in any situation.

It doesn’t mean being a sour puss the whole time! Try to enjoy yourself. Catch up with people you do want to see.

Just don’t fake over-enthusiasm when you feel like you’re dying on the inside.

6. Pick your battles

Idyllic celebration with a perfect family is a “positive” (albeit unrealistic) holiday stereotype.

Another stereotype illustrated in many holiday movies is that family get-togethers often devolve into shouting matches about politics, embarrassing meltdowns, and people rehashing old family feuds.

For some reason, the need to “set the record straight” often emerges at the holiday table.

Resist the urge. Holiday dinner isn’t the time to be confronting painful family history or settling scores. Don’t get into it over eggnog.

And if someone is trying to pull you into a confrontation, decisively SHUT IT DOWN. You can say something like:

• “I’m sorry, I’m not going to discuss this today”
• “Let’s talk about this some other time”
• “Let’s talk about something else”
• “This is too serious of a topic for today. How’s the weather in Wisconsin this time of year?”
• “This is your opinion, you’re entitled to it. I won’t try to change your mind”

7. Keep yourself busy

There’s always something you can do, even if you’re not hosting.

You can help in the kitchen, clear the table, help the kids (if they need assistance with their food), or do anything else that can keep you distracted from toxic family members you wish to avoid.

8. Assume the position of a spectator

This is a coping strategy I use a lot in my life.

If you won’t remember any tips from this list, remember this one: get into the mindset of a social scientist who researches people’s behavior. Watch their interactions and think about their motives.

Whatever the toxic family member says or does, don’t take it personally. See it through the eyes of a cultural anthropologist of a sort.

Instead of letting them ignite your anger or sadness, let them ignite your curiosity.

Let’s say your narcissistic father just announced to the whole family that you’re a disappointment, or your toxic mother-in-law made passive-aggressive comments about your dress.

Raise an eyebrow and make a mental note. Then tell me about it in the comment section!

Or you can do what I do — and start a psychology blog that talks about toxic or difficult people, and how to deal with them. You can even make money this way! Not a bad bonus.

If you’re interested in other game-changing mindsets for handling your toxic family, read 4 Clever Mind Hacks For Dealing With Toxic People

9. Prepare for the “worst-case scenario”

What happens if it all goes sideways? What if, despite your best efforts, you can’t stay in that house or in the company of these people for one more minute? Have an escape plan.

If you’re planning to stay with your toxic family for the holidays, can you stay with a friend, if need to?

If you have to leave abruptly, can you get to your car? Plan accordingly and park in a space where you won’t be blocked in by other cars.

You don’t want to walk off with your head held high, then come back asking aunt Tilda to move her Volkswagen.

10. Give yourself a “reward”

This is also one of my favorite coping strategies. It works for many situations in life, not just for holidays with toxic family members.

When you have to do something unpleasant but unavoidable (like attending a Christmas dinner with your obnoxious cousin Lenny), plan to reward yourself afterward.

Book a spa visit for the next day, buy a chocolate treat you’ve been eyeing but not allowing yourself to have, or go on a fun date with your partner.

In other words, pick something you can look forward to, then reward yourself for being strong, patient, and resilient.

Because if there’s one positive from having toxic people in our lives is that they make us stronger, wiser, and, hopefully, more forgiving.

What’s the most memorable thing that happened when you were spending holidays with your toxic family? Share your story below!