Abuse doesn’t always leave bruises.

Sometimes, it looks like walking on eggshells.

Sometimes, it sounds like laughter that’s forced and doesn’t quite reach the eyes.

And sometimes, it feels like loving someone who’s slowly erasing who you are.

We’re taught to recognize abuse through dramatic and visible displays — shouting, hitting, bruised wrists and frequent accidents. But real-life abuse is quieter and far more deceptive. It hides behind “I’m just joking,” “You’re too sensitive,” or “I only do it because I care.”

As a leading expert on narcissistic abuse Dr. Ramani Durvasula says, “Abuse doesn’t always start with cruelty. It starts with charm.”

That’s why even the most intelligent people can miss the signs, especially when love and fear start to blend.

Why It’s So Hard to See Abuse Clearly

Abuse rarely begins with control; it begins with connection.
In the early stages, the abuser might seem attentive, affectionate, and devoted. They might flood their partner with constant attention and even obsession — a phenomenon known as love bombing.

This emotional intensity creates a powerful bond that feels like “soulmate” or “twin flame” connection but is actually psychological conditioning.

The abuser — consciously or not — props the victim up for an addictive and vicious cycle, so that when the love later turns into criticism, withdrawal, or rage, the victim will crave the emotional “high” again and cling to the memory of the person who once made them feel oh-so-special.

That’s how a trauma bond forms — the confusing attachment that develops through a cycle of mistreatment and affection.

As trauma specialist Dr. Judith Herman explains,

“The alternating presence of abuse and care is what creates the strongest psychological ties.”

It’s not weakness that keeps people stuck; it’s the mind’s way of trying to make sense of chaos.

And sometimes, it’s their natural kindness that wants to see the good in everyone and clings to hope even in the face of evidence to the contrary.

The Subtle Signs Someone You Love Might Be in an Abusive Relationship

As mentioned earlier, abuse isn’t always about physical harm.
Emotional and psychological abuse are just as damaging and often harder to spot. But the abuser’s goal is always the same: to dominate and control.

Here are some subtle yet powerful indicators that someone you care about might be trapped in an abusive dynamic:

1. They’re Constantly on Edge

You can feel it in their body language — the tense shoulders, the nervous glance before they speak. They’re always calculating what might set their partner off.

2. They Over-Apologize

Victims (or survivors) of abuse often say “I’m sorry” for everything, even when they’ve done nothing wrong. Their history taught them that peace comes only through appeasement.

3. They’ve Become Isolated

Abusers often cut their partner off from friends or family — subtly at first, then more forcefully. “They don’t really like me,” “They don’t care about you,” or “We just need more time together.”

Over time, the victim’s world shrinks until it revolves entirely around the abuser.

4. They Don’t Look Like Themselves Anymore

There’s often a visible, physical change.

They might have an absent or sad expression, look tired all the time, or seem emotionally drained.

Their once-bright energy dims. It’s not necessarily something obvious — it’s the absence of aliveness.

5. They Don’t Act Like Themselves

They may also act differently — saying or doing things that don’t align with who they used to be. Abuse victims often describe feeling like they’ve “lost themselves.” This isn’t just a metaphor — it’s what happens when someone’s autonomy is constantly undermined.

6. They Minimize or Rationalize

They might say things like, “It’s not that bad,” or “Every couple fights.” Minimization is a survival tactic. It helps them make sense of the pain and normalize the lack of safety they feel in the relationship.

7. They Carry Shame and Guilt

Toxic partners often project their behavior onto the victim, blaming them for the turmoil. “You made me angry.” “I have to constantly clean up your messes.”

This scapegoating traps people in cycles of shame and guilt, leaving them feeling responsible for the abuser’s moods and actions.

Abusers rarely take responsibility for their behavior. They deny, deflect, or justify, keeping the victim secondguessing themselves at every turn. Little by little, it chips away at the victim’s confidence and self-agency, reducing them the shell of the person they used to be.

As a result, the victim believes they’re broken when, in fact, they’ve been systematically dismantled.

Common Traits of an Abuser

In his landmark book Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft describes abusers as people who crave control but skillfully hide it. They often seem charming or generous in public — “the catch”. But behind closed doors, the reality is far different.

Abusers often:

• Feel entitled to always having their way
• Use anger strategically, not impulsively
• Blame their partner for everything (“You made me do this”)
• Alternate between cruelty and affection to keep the victim “hooked”
• Have a fragile ego that demands constant stroking
• Present a carefully crafted image to the public
• Punish their partners for any display of independence or personal agency
• Minimize or deny their actions when confronted.

As Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading researchers on relationships, notes:

“Contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling are the strongest predictors of relationship breakdown.”

When those patterns become deliberate and chronic, they stop being communication issues — and start becoming emotional abuse.

Why Victims Don’t “Just Leave”

If someone you care about is in an abusive relationship, you may be struggling with the question: “Why don’t they just leave?”

The truth is, leaving an abusive relationship is extremely difficult. Even though it may seem counterintuitive, victims often stay because:

• They’re emotionally codependent (trauma-bonded) with the abuser
• They fear retaliation or financial hardship
• They’ve been isolated from anyone who might help
• They still believe in the good nature of the abuser
• They believe that they are the problem.

That’s the deeper reason for staying — abuse corrodes self-worth so severely that victims often believe they deserve it, or that no one else would ever love them. That’s the most tragic part of it.

It’s not weakness; it’s survival.

How to Support Someone in an Abusive Relationship

If you think someone you care about might be in an abusive relationship, the best thing you can do is show up without judgment. They don’t need to be convinced — they need to feel seen.

Here’s how to help:

1. Believe them. The words “I believe you” can be life-saving.
2. Listen, don’t lecture. Let them share at their own pace.
3. Avoid attacking the abuser directly. This can create defensiveness or fear. Focus instead on how they feel.
4. Share information gently. Offer hotline numbers, therapy resources, or safety plans but let them make the choice.
5. Stay in touch. Isolation fuels abuse. Real connection heals it.

Even if they’re not ready to leave, your presence can remind them they’re not alone and give them courage to leave eventually.

If You’re the One in an Abusive Relationship

If this article feels uncomfortably familiar, please know this: you are not imagining it, and it is not your fault. Abuse thrives on silence and self-doubt.

Here are some ways to begin reclaiming yourself:

• Name what’s happening. Seeing the pattern clearly is the first step to breaking it.
• Reach out. Confide in someone you trust, or contact a hotline confidentially.
• Create a safety plan. If you choose to leave, preparation is everything!
• Seek trauma-informed support. Therapies like DBT, CBT, and ACT can help you rebuild self-esteem, identity, and a sense of safety.

As Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, says:

“Healing begins when survivors feel safe in their own bodies again.”

You can rebuild your life. And you can feel safe again.

Resources for Help and Healing

If you or someone you know may be in an abusive relationship, please reach out:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.): 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org
• Love is Respect: 1-866-331-9474 or loveisrespect.org
• RAINN (Sexual Assault Hotline): 1-800-656-HOPE (4673)
• Find a Therapist: psychologytoday.com
• International Hotlines: findahelpline.com

A Note from Toxic Ties

If this article resonated with you, know that you’re not alone.
Toxic Ties was created to help survivors untangle the invisible knots of emotional abuse, reclaim their self-worth, and rediscover who they are beneath the pain. Explore more survivor stories, expert insights, and healing tools at www.toxicties.com.